Do I hate Mario Kart Wii?

To be fair, I've only played through one single-player Grand Prix since I bought it, but it's such a frustrating experience. I race the best I can, I make it to first, and then it's just a never-ending barrage of blue shells, red shells, POW blocks, lightning bolts, etc. Why do they even bother to warn you when a blue shell is coming? If you could shake it off, like a homing missle in a Star Fox game, maybe I would understand, but instead it's just a way to inject some additional dread into your random catastrophe.

One of the big changes to the Wii edition of Mario Kart is you can have 12 players in a race now. This sucks, because the farther back someone is, the more likely they are to find a blue shell -- and if you don't know, the blue shell is a magical power-up that only attacks whoever is in first place -- so if you're a good driver, you'll probably get hit with several blue shells over the course of 3-lap race. What's more annoying is that the blue shell doesn't even help the player who gets it, because they're too far back anyway, so really it's just a way for the guy in 8th to give a middle finger to the guy in first. It's the most petulant of power-ups: If I can't win, you can't either.

[image via Penny Arcade]

Happy St. Patrick's Day from GameStache!!

I won't be going out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day tonight since my girlfriend has school, so I think I'll honor the occasion by playing through Super Smash Bros. Brawl Classic mode as Luigi. I know he's Italian, not Irish, but everyone's Irish today. Or maybe I'll just have a 15-minute brawl with Luigi, Link, Yoshi, and ... I don't know, green Kirby? On the Yoshi's Island Melee stage? While eating some cabbage?

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any video games with actual Irish themes, so comment if you know any. Cúchulainn would be great for a God of War-style game, with his "terrifying battle frenzy."

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure (Wii) - Review

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Developed by Capcom
Published by Capcom
Released October 2007
For Wii

Batten down the hatches! Hoist the main sails! Grab that golden helicopter monkey and ring him like a bell! There's puzzles to be solved and treasure chests to be raided in Capcom's Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure for the Nintendo Wii. You play as Zack, a mute and excitable young boy who dreams of being a pirate. Your best friend is Wiki, the aforementioned magical monkey. As the newest member of pirate crew the Sea Rabbits, you're being escorted by pilot and all around cool guy Johnny Style to your new hideout, when suddenly you're knocked out of the sky by Captain Rose and the Rose Rock Pirates and crash land on an island.

There you discover the golden talking head of the legendary Captain Barbaros, who promises he'll lead you to the famous Treasure Island and give you his flying pirate ship if you can find and restore all the missing parts of his body. For whatever reason, he was transformed into treasure and hidden in over a dozen well-guarded chests. The only way to recover these priceless chunks of his body is to solve lots and lots of puzzles in a variety of locations, like a jungle, a haunted mansion, and of course the obligatory fire world and ice world.

Though many have called Zack & Wiki an adventure game, it's almost purely a puzzle game. With almost no dialogue, and very little story, it owes more to Coktel Vision's Gobliiins series than it does to King's Quest or the Secret of Monkey Island. Each level is a large screen, usually with a clearly visible chest blocked by some obstacle like a monster or a locked door. From there, various objects in your environment can be manipulated, usually with some waggling of the Wiimote. For instance if you want to drop a vase on a bad guy's head, you don't just pick up the vase, click it on the hole in the floor, and watch it happen. You pick up the vase, click it on the hole in the floor, then turn the Wiimote on its side and "drop" it at the right time. You can also open doors, tip over beakers, saw down trees, and even swing a tennis racket at an oncoming fireball.

But it's Wiki who proves to be your most valuable tool. As your magical flying monkey bell, you just need to grab him by the tail and ring him near an animal (or even one of Captain Rose's goons) and a special transformation will be triggered. A frog turns into a bomb, a bat into an umbrella, and so on. Virtually every living thing you find can be turned into some sort of useful tool. They don't necessarily make logical sense, but that's the method to Zack & Wiki's madness. Only by implementing the strangest circumlocutions of reasoning can you do anything resembling planning ahead, and most levels will consist of you clicking on everything you can find until, near the end, you go "Oh, I get it, if I put the centipede into the Frankenstein machine, he'll turn into a flavored soda! Then I can make an invisibility potion."

As the game progresses, the reasoning doesn't get too much more complex, but the levels get longer, and the things that can kill you pop up more frequently. After each death, you can either restart from the beginning for free, or revive from a few moments before the fatal event occurred by spending a platinum ticket. Both platinum tickets and oracle dolls (for buying in-level hints) are for sale back at the hideout, using coins found during play. If you'd rather not replay the same 10 or 15 minutes over and over again, stock up on those platinum tickets. The oracle dolls may be useful on occasion, but the first time you get a hint like "You need to get the treasure chest from the dragon" (yes, thank you, I knew that) you'll want to throw the oracle dolls in the trash and use an online FAQ instead.

Wiki may have his limitations (though he's a flying monkey, he'll never fetch you anything out of reach nor grab your arms and fly you from danger), but two heads are still better than one. This is a great game to play with a friend or spouse. Though only one person can steer Zack at a time, another set of eyes can be invaluable for spotting puzzle solutions. While you're getting frustrated trying to catch a mole so you can whack him with a hammer, your clear-headed partner may notice a puzzle-based workaround.

The hard part may be convincing said friend or spouse to play with you in the first place, considering the game's aesthetic. Everything, from Wiki's inane musings to Zack's boyish appearance and perpetual candy bar munching, screams this is a game for children. Even the name itself is about as kiddie as they come. Of course, the puzzles are way too difficult for children (and, in parts, most adults), which is the same dichotomy that killed Xbox 360's super-cute and super-complicated sim Viva Pinata. So if adults find it cloying and kids can't make it past level two, who is this game for anyway? Kidults, of course! Grown-ups who enjoy doing "youthful" things. If you're over 21, childless, and own a Wii, you probably are one. It's okay, you're among friends here.

If you enjoy puzzles, and especially bizarre ones, this is the game for you. Even when you think you've clicked on everything and you're calling upon a FAQ for the tenth time, you'll read the solution and think, "Yeah, I probably should've thought of that." But a little bit of hyper-wackiness goes a long way, and if you play more than two levels in a row, you'll be ready to grab Wiki by the tail and swing him into a tree, especially since it'll take 12-15 hours to make it through the whole thing. The final few levels of the game also raise the reflex and timing quotients by quite a lot, so if you've gotten used to a methodical style of play, you're likely to get frustrated. Still, in the end Zack & Wiki is probably one of the best 3rd party games available for the Wii. It's remarkably well-designed, with fun uses for the Wiimote, and lots of opportunity for happy "ah ha!" moments, either alone or with a partner.

Grade: B

No More Heroes (Wii) - First Impressions

No More Heroes
Developed by Grasshopper Manufacture
Published by Ubisoft
Released January 2008
For Wii

No More Heroes is the latest game from designer Suda 51, who previously scored a cult hit (if a commercial failure) with Killer7 for the GameCube. Promising in pre-release interviews to make the game "even more violent than Manhunt 2," No More Heroes has been as highly anticipated as any third-party Wii exclusive out there, ever since the first hyper-stylized trailer hit the Internet.

Travis Touchdown, a cynical young layabout obsessed with anime and pro wrestling from Santa Destroy, California, wins a light saber--or a beam katana, if you'd rather not be sued--in an online auction. Bored and flat broke, he then accepts a job killing someone called "the Drifter," and later learns this action caused him to be ranked the 11th best assassin according to the United Assassin Association (or UAA). How can he go up in rank? Simple, kill the Top 10.

No More Heroes is a combination of God of War-style button mashing action, dodge and attack boss fights, open world meandering, and bizarre non sequitur mini-games. By hitting the A button repeatedly, Travis hacks and slashes his way through hordes of nobody thugs to make his way to the next ranked assassin. Once the thug has been significantly weakened, making a swiping motion with the Wiimote will either cut his head off or slice him entirely in half. You can also stun opponents with wrestling moves, then stab or slash them when they're down.

In-between levels, Travis drives his giant pseudo-sci-fi motorcycle (called "Schpeltiger") around town trying to earn enough money to pay the UAA to set him up with another ranked match. He can take small assassination missions, but will earn most of his money doing temp jobs like collecting coconuts, mowing lawns, and picking up garbage. Santa Destroy also has a clothing store, a gym to raise your strength and health stats, and an old drunk guy to teach you new fighting moves.

Though it revels in violence, No More Heroes also considers itself a satire of violent games and movies. Grand Theft Auto puts company name parodies in its cityscapes, so No More Heroes does too: Pizza Butt. Get it? Like Pizza Hut. Yes, it's a terrible joke, but it's supposed to be. Yes, driving around Santa Destroy is a waste of time, but it's supposed to be. They're post-ironic meta-jokes for smart people. But just because the open world is winking at you, doesn't make it any more fun. After finishing the first few levels in the game, the thought of another 30 to 40 minutes spent in Santa Destroy waiting to access the next ranked battle seemed like the Brussels sprouts before my dessert, but without the nutritional value.

Maybe I would've even choked the sprouts down had the dessert been a bit sweeter. I'm an enormous fan of beat 'em ups, and have worshipped at the altars of Final Fight, Double Dragon, Streets of Rage--even Combatribes and Vendetta--but the difference between those games and No More Heroes is they took one or two hours to complete at very, very most, and No More Heroes will take at least 10 or 12. Tolerable if I were planning on doing a level or two every few weeks (or months), but as a Gamefly rental, I couldn't bring myself to bother with it.

No More Heroes made a decent first impression.