The Lost Crown (PC) - Review

New review posted on AdventureGamers.com

As a work of art created by a single dedicated developer, it's easy to be mightily impressed by this game, but as a product competing for your entertainment dollar, it doesn’t matter if it was created by one person or a hundred. Is the game fun or isn’t it?

Continue reading my review for The Lost Crown...

Downstream Panic! (PSP) - First Impressions

Downstream Panic!
Developed by Eko Software
Published by Atari
Released February 2008
For PSP

A whirlwind has gathered up large pockets of fish, and is now depositing them over areas of odd-shaped, puzzle-ready earth. Your goal is to use a fixed number of items to guide the fish-heavy water through the odd-shaped earth so the fish are deposited between two buoys--anywhere outside these buoys means big-fish-eat-little-fish bloody death. If it sounds a lot like Lemmings, that's because it is a lot like Lemmings, only without the gameplay depth and sense of fun.

Your items are things like bombs, instant-growth plants (to create walls), and harpoons (to kill predators sleeping in the levels who wake up if the water touches them). The main sources of difficulty are in organizing the flow of water itself, as water falling and hitting a surface is as likely to go left as it is right (as Dr. Ian Malcolm would be happy to show you), and in rationing your items. Sometimes you may need to let the water gather in one spot, then dole it out slowly to avoid spilling fish or awakening predators. With bottlenecks and chokepoints aplenty, it can be easy to think you have a clear path to the bottom, only to find the water building up faster than it flows away, and end up losing half your fish.

It's hard for me to explain exactly why this game isn't fun. It sounds like fun on paper, which is why I rented it, but something in the execution lends itself more towards tedium. I spent 5 minutes on one level trying slight variations of the same thing, until finally shifting one of the bombs a half-centimeter to the left caused the water to distribute slightly differently and save all the fish. Was I having fun? No. Would somebody else? I can't say.

I might've respected the game more if it had at least used something more interesting in the cinematic intro than the establishment-approved whirlwind to explain the fish falls, like maybe a strato-quake in the Super-Sargasso Sea. Lacking that, Downstream Panic!'s boring, derivative gameplay style succeeded only in making me wish I was in fact playing Lemmings instead.

Downstream Panic! made a poor first impression.

Half-Life is not my idea of a good time

When the CompUSA across the street from the Beverly Center went out of business, I stopped by there and bought a couple PC compilations on the cheap. I picked up Half-Life 1 Anthology, and an Ubisoft Collection with the first Splinter Cell, the first Prince of Persia, and Beyond Good & Evil (none of which, I'm ashamed to say, I ever got around to installing).

I made a good faith effort to play Half-Life at that time. I got a few hours in, but then around the time where the giant claw-tentacle thing is thrashing about and you have to sneak around it, I stopped. For whatever reason, I just wasn't having any fun.

When The Orange Box came out, at first I didn't get too excited. Then the praise for Portal started rolling in. Soon I couldn't turn around on the internet without something telling me "the cake is a lie." Joystiq even named it their game of the year.

I thought, if I'm going to get The Orange Box, I should at least try to finish the first Half-Life before I do, and I fired it up again. I went another 4 or 5 hours before I quit, this time for good. Yeah the "mine cart" levels were pretty neat, but after a while I couldn't bring myself to walk into the next area and fight another bunch of soldiers.

But I still wanted to play Portal, so I rented The Orange Box anyway, and you know what? Portal is a really amazing game. I even put "Still Alive" on my Zune to listen to in the car. And hey, the disc is already in the tray, right? Half-Life 2 deserves a fresh chance. This time I only made it 90 minutes before I found myself swimming around some sewer puzzle wishing I was doing anything else. Bye bye Orange Box, back to Gamefly you go.

I like first-person shooters. I'm not a fanatic but I like them. The No One Lives Forever titles (except Contract J.A.C.K.) are some of my favorite games of all time. Still, there's something about the Half-Life series that doesn't do it for me at all.

Is it me?

Heavenly Sword (PS3) - Review

Heavenly Sword
Developed by Ninja Theory
Published by SCEE
Released September 2007
For PS3

Six months ago, you couldn't find much love out there for the PlayStation 3. Between the high price, the lingering resentment over Sony's arrogant pre-release marketing, the uncertain future of the Blu-Ray format, and the lack of high quality first party titles, bashing on the PS3 was the en vogue thing to do. Sony loyalists awaited Heavenly Sword with a high level of anticipation, hoping it would be the system's saving grace and prove the PS3 could offer a unique experience in an already crowded marketplace. Perhaps it was that same anticipation that caused a certain level of backlash against Heavenly Sword. It's too short, it's just God of War-lite, it's boring, there's too many cutscenes, etc. In the objective light of March 2008, I'm here to offer another point of view: Heavenly Sword is an absolute blast.

A clan of warriors has long guarded a massive blade known as the Heavenly Sword. None but a God could wield it without sacrificing his life to its powers. A prophecy foretold of the day when a man would be born who was strong enough to reclaim it and bring peace to all the lands. Nariko was supposed to be that man. She was still raised a warrior, but none in the clan could hide their disappointment, and many believed Nariko would bring about their doom. But when a warmonger named King Bohan attacks looking to steal the Heavenly Sword for his trophy room, it will fall on Nariko to take the Sword away and, in time, use it herself to stand against him and his armies.


Heavenly Sword does, in fact, control very similarly to God of War. Nariko tears through hordes of enemies, spinning, jumping, and slashing them to pieces. You can vary your stance via the shoulder buttons from normal to strong to long range, with each one color-coded to show you which stance you must be in to block an enemy's attack. There are also button-prompt action sequences (e.g. Nariko running up the side of a cliff or putting the finishing touch on a boss). Heavenly Sword isn't the first game to borrow from the God of War playbook, but by maintaining a high level of action and excitement, it pushes those comparisons to the back of your mind while you let loose and have fun.


The biggest gameplay addition is in the distance attack levels. Nariko has an adopted sister named Kai, and though Kai has the mentality of a small child, she's an expert with a crossbow (or "twing twang" as she calls it). Using the Sixaxis motion controls, you can slow down time after each shot, zoom in on the arrow's perspective (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves style) and physically steer the arrow to its target. It takes a few tries to get used to it, but soon becomes instinctual. Anyone who's ever bowled has felt the urge to lean left or right as if you could somehow affect the ball's trajectory, but in Heavenly Sword, "body english" actually works.

But Kai's not the only one with the supernatural ability to steer projectiles mid-flight. In a few sequences, Nariko has to fire a giant cannon at Bohan's invading army, and the cannon balls can also be steered where you need them to go. If you have a big enough battlefield, you can even pick up discarded objects--like swords, shields, or dead soldiers--at any time and throw them at your opponents. It's not an easy shot, but tossing a dude into another dude, when it works, is pretty damn sweet. Finally, there are a few "puzzles" that involve tossing shields at markers so they bounce off each other, Captain America-style, that require a little Sixaxis leaning to pull off.


The plot itself may not pave any new ground as far as revenge-driven epics go, but the story is still a large part of the game's appeal. There are quite a few cutscenes, after all. But the graphics are so sharp, and the voice acting so well-done, that the cutscenes add much more to the gameplay than they detract. A particular boss fight comes to mind (the second time you face Flying Fox) as being a much more viscerally satisfying experience because of the masterful acting and storytelling than it otherwise would've been. They've somehow managed make the characters look hyper-detailed and expressive while still avoiding any Uncanny Valley creepiness. I'd go as far as to say I don't think I've ever seen more effective CG character models outside a Pixar movie.

At around 5 - 6 hours of gameplay, Heavenly Sword is a very short game. And yes, in many ways, it is essentially God of War-lite. But until God of War 3 comes out, this is the best current generation game in the GOW play style you're going to find (sorry Conan and Shrek the Third). With amazing graphics and acting, shockingly fun uses for the Sixaxis controller, and tried-and-true hack-and-slash gameplay, Heavenly Sword is one of the best exclusive titles for the PS3 and is well-worth playing for any action game fan.

Grade: A-

Happy St. Patrick's Day from GameStache!!

I won't be going out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day tonight since my girlfriend has school, so I think I'll honor the occasion by playing through Super Smash Bros. Brawl Classic mode as Luigi. I know he's Italian, not Irish, but everyone's Irish today. Or maybe I'll just have a 15-minute brawl with Luigi, Link, Yoshi, and ... I don't know, green Kirby? On the Yoshi's Island Melee stage? While eating some cabbage?

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any video games with actual Irish themes, so comment if you know any. Cúchulainn would be great for a God of War-style game, with his "terrifying battle frenzy."

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure (Wii) - Review

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure
Developed by Capcom
Published by Capcom
Released October 2007
For Wii

Batten down the hatches! Hoist the main sails! Grab that golden helicopter monkey and ring him like a bell! There's puzzles to be solved and treasure chests to be raided in Capcom's Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure for the Nintendo Wii. You play as Zack, a mute and excitable young boy who dreams of being a pirate. Your best friend is Wiki, the aforementioned magical monkey. As the newest member of pirate crew the Sea Rabbits, you're being escorted by pilot and all around cool guy Johnny Style to your new hideout, when suddenly you're knocked out of the sky by Captain Rose and the Rose Rock Pirates and crash land on an island.

There you discover the golden talking head of the legendary Captain Barbaros, who promises he'll lead you to the famous Treasure Island and give you his flying pirate ship if you can find and restore all the missing parts of his body. For whatever reason, he was transformed into treasure and hidden in over a dozen well-guarded chests. The only way to recover these priceless chunks of his body is to solve lots and lots of puzzles in a variety of locations, like a jungle, a haunted mansion, and of course the obligatory fire world and ice world.

Though many have called Zack & Wiki an adventure game, it's almost purely a puzzle game. With almost no dialogue, and very little story, it owes more to Coktel Vision's Gobliiins series than it does to King's Quest or the Secret of Monkey Island. Each level is a large screen, usually with a clearly visible chest blocked by some obstacle like a monster or a locked door. From there, various objects in your environment can be manipulated, usually with some waggling of the Wiimote. For instance if you want to drop a vase on a bad guy's head, you don't just pick up the vase, click it on the hole in the floor, and watch it happen. You pick up the vase, click it on the hole in the floor, then turn the Wiimote on its side and "drop" it at the right time. You can also open doors, tip over beakers, saw down trees, and even swing a tennis racket at an oncoming fireball.

But it's Wiki who proves to be your most valuable tool. As your magical flying monkey bell, you just need to grab him by the tail and ring him near an animal (or even one of Captain Rose's goons) and a special transformation will be triggered. A frog turns into a bomb, a bat into an umbrella, and so on. Virtually every living thing you find can be turned into some sort of useful tool. They don't necessarily make logical sense, but that's the method to Zack & Wiki's madness. Only by implementing the strangest circumlocutions of reasoning can you do anything resembling planning ahead, and most levels will consist of you clicking on everything you can find until, near the end, you go "Oh, I get it, if I put the centipede into the Frankenstein machine, he'll turn into a flavored soda! Then I can make an invisibility potion."

As the game progresses, the reasoning doesn't get too much more complex, but the levels get longer, and the things that can kill you pop up more frequently. After each death, you can either restart from the beginning for free, or revive from a few moments before the fatal event occurred by spending a platinum ticket. Both platinum tickets and oracle dolls (for buying in-level hints) are for sale back at the hideout, using coins found during play. If you'd rather not replay the same 10 or 15 minutes over and over again, stock up on those platinum tickets. The oracle dolls may be useful on occasion, but the first time you get a hint like "You need to get the treasure chest from the dragon" (yes, thank you, I knew that) you'll want to throw the oracle dolls in the trash and use an online FAQ instead.

Wiki may have his limitations (though he's a flying monkey, he'll never fetch you anything out of reach nor grab your arms and fly you from danger), but two heads are still better than one. This is a great game to play with a friend or spouse. Though only one person can steer Zack at a time, another set of eyes can be invaluable for spotting puzzle solutions. While you're getting frustrated trying to catch a mole so you can whack him with a hammer, your clear-headed partner may notice a puzzle-based workaround.

The hard part may be convincing said friend or spouse to play with you in the first place, considering the game's aesthetic. Everything, from Wiki's inane musings to Zack's boyish appearance and perpetual candy bar munching, screams this is a game for children. Even the name itself is about as kiddie as they come. Of course, the puzzles are way too difficult for children (and, in parts, most adults), which is the same dichotomy that killed Xbox 360's super-cute and super-complicated sim Viva Pinata. So if adults find it cloying and kids can't make it past level two, who is this game for anyway? Kidults, of course! Grown-ups who enjoy doing "youthful" things. If you're over 21, childless, and own a Wii, you probably are one. It's okay, you're among friends here.

If you enjoy puzzles, and especially bizarre ones, this is the game for you. Even when you think you've clicked on everything and you're calling upon a FAQ for the tenth time, you'll read the solution and think, "Yeah, I probably should've thought of that." But a little bit of hyper-wackiness goes a long way, and if you play more than two levels in a row, you'll be ready to grab Wiki by the tail and swing him into a tree, especially since it'll take 12-15 hours to make it through the whole thing. The final few levels of the game also raise the reflex and timing quotients by quite a lot, so if you've gotten used to a methodical style of play, you're likely to get frustrated. Still, in the end Zack & Wiki is probably one of the best 3rd party games available for the Wii. It's remarkably well-designed, with fun uses for the Wiimote, and lots of opportunity for happy "ah ha!" moments, either alone or with a partner.

Grade: B

Giant Bombcast - Podcast Profiles

You may be familiar with Jeff Gerstmann or Ryan Davis from their time as reviewers for http://www.gamespot.com/. If you're really up on things, you'll already know Jeff was fired a couple months ago under strange circumstances, and several other employees resigned not long after.

Gerstmann and Davis have now launched a new site: http://www.giantbomb.com/, and with it a new weekly podcast. Each episode begins with a quick discussion (and taste test) of weird sodas and energy drinks, followed by a lengthy conversation on what games they've been playing, the latest news, and e-mails from listeners.

These guys are experienced podcasters. Gamespot's The HotSpot used to be the best gaming podcast around (until everyone left), and it looks like the "Bombcast" is not only going to pick up where the HotSpot left off but take it even further. Without the same rules or regulations The HotSpot used to operate under, the shows are longer, the talk more in-depth, and the jokes are funnier. (now if they can just get Rich Gallup involved...)

Listen to this week's show. (you'll also hear them reading my e-mail re: the Coca Cola Museum, and Ryan Davis even pronounced my name right)

uWink - Restaurant of the Future?

Odds are if you're a video game fan, you've heard the name Nolan Bushnell. He co-founded Atari, is often credited with creating the game Pong, and founded the Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain. In 2006 he launched a new restaurant, a "Chuck E. Cheese for grown-ups," called uWink. The first and so far only location is in Woodland Hills, CA, less than five miles from my house. I've been a few times and haven't exactly been impressed, but with my girlfriend's 18-year-old niece Melissa in town from Michigan, and finding myself charged with entertaining her for the evening, I decided to give it another chance.

Every table in uWink is set up with touch screen computers, which are the main focal point of the uWink experience. Once you've been seated, you're on your own. You browse through a pictorial menu, with food ranging from hamburgers and pizza to fish, pasta or steak. Each item can also be customized, e.g. hold the onions or extra mushrooms. You can even ask for more napkins, a to-go box, or a side of ranch. The only time you'll see a waiter or waitress is when the food actually comes out.

Buying a food item grants you credits (for instance, a hamburger and fries might be 10 credits). You can spend these credits on interactive games. Simple games are one credit, but any game you might actually want to play is probably two credits. The game quality is akin to the free flash games you'll find anywhere on the net--only without the depth. One "featured" game involved a monster throwing another monster down a street, with the distance determined by where you choose to stop two ever-cycling meters (one for strength, one for the angle)--sort of like a golf game. It was absolutely no fun. There are also ripoffs of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and Wheel of Fortune, basketball tossing, some puzzle games, and plenty more.


I didn't test all the games because between Melissa and I we only had 25 credits to spare. You can buy more without buying food, but you probably won't bother. I spent most of my credits on the trivia games. The best one I tried was called Expert, and gave the choice of several dozen trivia categories, with the game ending when you miss a question or after getting 25 correct, whichever comes first. Most games do track high scores, displaying both the highest of the week as well as of all time (I got 9th of all time in Expert, but when you give me categories like Super Heroes and the Simpsons, that'll happen).

Not that you actually win anything--at least not for spending some measly credits. There are a series of "prize puzzles" but they cost extra. Depending on how nice a prize you want to go for, it costs between 50 cents and $1.25 to play, but I confess I didn't try any myself. Due diligence notwithstanding, I didn't feel like dropping 50 cents on the possibility of winning a candy bar. I'm a grown man, and I can buy a candy bar whenever I like, thank you.

One thing they added since the last time I'd been there was a periodic invitation for a game the entire restaurant plays together. I joined one comparing two seemingly identical photos for differences. Alas, I'm terrible at those and came in second from the bottom. The real issue with these games is you're not competing against anyone directly, you're just comparing scores, and it's that lack of player-vs-player gameplay that's uWink's biggest shortcoming. Even at the same table, within the same party, there's no way to link up the screens to play with your friends. At its core, it's a pretty lonely experience.

Oddly enough, the night we were there the back of the restaurant was taken up by a crew of speed daters. Considering if you actually participate in the restaurant's conceit you won't end up speaking two words to each other, it's not a great place to get to know someone. Even if you're not playing a game, you're distracted by something. Melissa spent the first 15 minutes watching movie trailers. I spent 10 minutes or so reading "funny things people wrote on exams."


But what about the food? Yes, if you can pull yourself away from the computer, they do in fact serve food. My pepperoni pizza tasted like plastic that had been marinated in grease for two days then super-glued to some bread. I blame myself, ordering pizza from a restaurant owned by the founder of Chuck E. Cheese, but that doesn't absolve them entirely from screwing up God's favorite food so very badly. For what it's worth, Melissa claimed her cheeseburger was "very good" but she still only ate a third of it. We didn't stay for dessert.

If you like flash games and overpriced diner food, and you're going out with people you'd rather not have to talk to, I can't recommend uWink highly enough. However, for a great dinner-gaming experience with a date or friends, you're better off going to Cheesecake Factory then back to your place for Rock Band or Wii Sports.

Grade: C

echochrome (PSP) - First Impressions

echochrome
Developed by Japan Studios
Published by Sony Computer Entertainment
Released May 2008 (maybe)
For PS3 via PSN (and hopefully PSP)

Yes, that is actually a screenshot. echochrome is what happens when a pile of geometric shapes in the form of a man is let loose in M.C. Escher's crazy world o' stairs and illusions. The foundation is simple: perception equals reality.

There is a little man in a little world. The man must meet up with several silhouette versions of himself who are standing in place waiting for him. You can pause him or speed him up but you can't steer him. Mostly what you can do is rotate the world itself, thus changing your own perspective on what the level looks like. If you're looking at a bridge with a gap in it, he'll get to the gap, stop, and turn around. However, if you change your perspective so another piece of the world is completely obscuring the gap, then he will be able to cross the bridge.

If there's a hole in the ground, he'll fall through, but if you can't see the hole, he won't. Better yet, if you shift it so it seems like another piece of ground is under the hole (though moments ago it was clearly nowhere near it), then he'll land on that piece of ground.

That's about all there is, but really, isn't that enough? Okay, there's also trampolines.

It's being released this month in Japan, with a Spring-release scheduled for the US PlayStation Network store. Japan is getting it for the PSP as well, but there's no confirmation we'll be getting a PSP version in the States. However, the good folks at PSP Fanboy have put together this guide to enable you to download and play the Japanese PSP demo. In all honesty, it made me giggle with delight, and that's gotta count for something.

echochrome made a great first impression.

Congratulations! You've wasted your time

If you're not familiar with Bully, it's a game from Rockstar (see: Grand Theft Auto) that came out in late 2006 for the PS2. It's actually very similar to Grand Theft Auto in a lot of ways, except it's set in a prep school. There's no killing, but lots of fighting. No sex, but plenty of smooching. Go Kart races instead of street races. You get the idea. It's an excellent game, well-written, well-designed, and definitely worth playing for any action-adventure or open world fan.

I played the PS2 version back when it was released, and when I first heard about the Xbox 360 re-issue, I was very excited. I don't usually re-play games, but the idea of playing through Bully again and this time getting achievement points for it seemed like a great way to spend a week or two. One of my favorite features in Bully was the constantly developing trophy area of your room as you overcame obstacles and accomplished various tasks. Just make an achievement for each trophy and you're good to go, I figured.

Well, I figured wrong. Instead Bully: Scholarship Edition is chock full of one of my least favorite achievement types: the pointless repetition achievement. Let's look at some examples:

Pick 50 flowers: 20 points
Egg 25 cars: 20 points
Kick 100 soccer balls: 20 points
Trip 25 people with marbles: 20 points
Buy 100 sodas: 20 points
Say 100 taunts: 25 points
Give 50 wedgies: 25 points
Break 300 bottles at the shooting gallery: 25 points

And it goes on and on and on. I loved Bully, and played it nonstop, but I doubt in the end I bought even 5 sodas, or gave even 3 wedgies. No matter how good you are at Bully, you're not really achieving anything when you get these "achievements." Kicking 100 soccer balls isn't a matter of skill, it's a matter of persistence. I can almost guarantee you no one will get that achievement organically.

The perfect achievement list should contain a mixture of level progression, skill challenges, and random moments of awesomeness (i.e. you didn't mean to do it, and you probably couldn't repeat it, but it was sweet). Time fillers like the above examples only serve to mar this otherwise amazing game. Needless to say, I won't bother playing through it again just so I can perform "200 wheelies on the bike."

This doesn't bode well for Grand Theft Auto IV.

Rocket Jockey (PC) – Hall of Fame

Rocket Jockey
Developed by Rocket Science Games
Published by SegaSoft
Released October 1996
For PC

Sometimes the simplest of concepts lead to the most enduring and replayable gameplay experiences. It’s the reason we’re still playing Pac-Man and Frogger after all these years. But one game I think belongs in that upper echelon of pick-up-and-play games has gone overlooked. The concept couldn't be simpler: You’re straddling a rocket, and so are some other guys, and it’s every man for himself. It’s called Rocket Jockey, and it’s being inducted into the GameStache!! Hall of Fame.

The thing about straddling a live rocket is you can’t really steer the damn thing. Sure it has little fins on the side, but you couldn't make even a 45-degree turn to save your life. To facilitate your travel through the Rocket Jockey arena, you’re equipped with super-strong cables you can fire out of either side of the rocket. These cables can hook onto pylons that are placed throughout the field, at which point you can spin until you’re pointed in the desired direction, then release. You never run out of cables, and if both your left and right cables are attached to something, you can join them together and leave them behind.

Play consists of three modes: Rocket Race, Rocket Ball, and Rocket War. In Rocket Race, you have a certain period of time to maneuver yourself through several gates. It's deceptively simple on the surface but made difficult by the fact that you're straddling a friggin' rocket and can barely control it. Rocket Ball is a soccer-like competition where you buzz around, snag balls with your cables, then try to spin them up and release them in such a way they'll land inside a net. Both these modes have their moments, but Rocket War is the game's real draw.

In Rocket War, you have a fixed number of opponents, and must knock out or otherwise incapacitate them all before time runs out. There are several ways to get one off his sled: joining two cables together between some pylons to make a clothesline, grabbing a bomb out of a bomb dispenser and tossing it at him, or--and this is the most satisfying--aiming well enough to snag him off his rocket directly. Most of the time you'll hit the rocket itself and futilely pull against each other for a while, though you usually at least yank off a fin, gimping the rocket so it constantly lists to one direction. Once you've got one of the other jockeys snagged to a cable, what do you do with him? One of my favorites is to grab a pylon near the wall with my other cable and just do doughnuts smacking him into the side over and over again until the line snaps.

For such a limited variety of weaponry, the amount of things you can do to each other is nearly endless. The ultimate is grabbing a different jockey with each cable and tying them together (for big bonus points), at which point you can still circle back, snag one again, then tie him to something. There are a few temporary cable upgrades available in the levels, and one of the most devious is the shrinking cable. It's terribly inconvenient when you're trying to get your bearings on a pylon and keep getting pulled into it, but it's immensely satisfying when you snag a jockey with one cable and a bomb with the other and tie them together. He'll try to run, but there's no getting away from that BOOM.

It's the little touches that make all the difference. The way a jockey will get loose from your cable and you'll be left dragging around a pair of boxer shorts. The feeling of panic as you--having yourself been knocked off and left with a rocket too damaged to fly--literally limp around the arena praying someone else will fall off their rocket so you can jack it from them before they get back on. The supreme triumph of actually hitting someone with one of those damn impossible to aim bombs. And the glory of victory... the glory...

Of all the games based on slightly futuristic blood sports, and they are legion, I believe Rocket Jockey is far and away the best. It truly belongs in the GameStache!! Hall of Fame.

No More Heroes (Wii) - First Impressions

No More Heroes
Developed by Grasshopper Manufacture
Published by Ubisoft
Released January 2008
For Wii

No More Heroes is the latest game from designer Suda 51, who previously scored a cult hit (if a commercial failure) with Killer7 for the GameCube. Promising in pre-release interviews to make the game "even more violent than Manhunt 2," No More Heroes has been as highly anticipated as any third-party Wii exclusive out there, ever since the first hyper-stylized trailer hit the Internet.

Travis Touchdown, a cynical young layabout obsessed with anime and pro wrestling from Santa Destroy, California, wins a light saber--or a beam katana, if you'd rather not be sued--in an online auction. Bored and flat broke, he then accepts a job killing someone called "the Drifter," and later learns this action caused him to be ranked the 11th best assassin according to the United Assassin Association (or UAA). How can he go up in rank? Simple, kill the Top 10.

No More Heroes is a combination of God of War-style button mashing action, dodge and attack boss fights, open world meandering, and bizarre non sequitur mini-games. By hitting the A button repeatedly, Travis hacks and slashes his way through hordes of nobody thugs to make his way to the next ranked assassin. Once the thug has been significantly weakened, making a swiping motion with the Wiimote will either cut his head off or slice him entirely in half. You can also stun opponents with wrestling moves, then stab or slash them when they're down.

In-between levels, Travis drives his giant pseudo-sci-fi motorcycle (called "Schpeltiger") around town trying to earn enough money to pay the UAA to set him up with another ranked match. He can take small assassination missions, but will earn most of his money doing temp jobs like collecting coconuts, mowing lawns, and picking up garbage. Santa Destroy also has a clothing store, a gym to raise your strength and health stats, and an old drunk guy to teach you new fighting moves.

Though it revels in violence, No More Heroes also considers itself a satire of violent games and movies. Grand Theft Auto puts company name parodies in its cityscapes, so No More Heroes does too: Pizza Butt. Get it? Like Pizza Hut. Yes, it's a terrible joke, but it's supposed to be. Yes, driving around Santa Destroy is a waste of time, but it's supposed to be. They're post-ironic meta-jokes for smart people. But just because the open world is winking at you, doesn't make it any more fun. After finishing the first few levels in the game, the thought of another 30 to 40 minutes spent in Santa Destroy waiting to access the next ranked battle seemed like the Brussels sprouts before my dessert, but without the nutritional value.

Maybe I would've even choked the sprouts down had the dessert been a bit sweeter. I'm an enormous fan of beat 'em ups, and have worshipped at the altars of Final Fight, Double Dragon, Streets of Rage--even Combatribes and Vendetta--but the difference between those games and No More Heroes is they took one or two hours to complete at very, very most, and No More Heroes will take at least 10 or 12. Tolerable if I were planning on doing a level or two every few weeks (or months), but as a Gamefly rental, I couldn't bring myself to bother with it.

No More Heroes made a decent first impression.

The Experiment (PC) - Review

New review posted on AdventureGamers.com

Imagine yourself having somehow hacked into EDEHN’s intranet from the comfort and safety of your living room, and that everything to follow is real, and you’ll have some idea of the immersion effect the developers have managed to achieve.

Continue reading my review for The Experiment...

N+ (Xbox 360) - First Impressions

N+
Developed by Slick Entertainment
Published by Metanet Software
Released February 2008
For Xbox 360 via Xbox Live Arcade

N+ is the monetized Xbox Live Arcade version of an extremely popular freeware flash game called N. The goal in N+ is to bounce a tiny, little ninja around a cavernous level, collecting gold (ninjas love gold!), avoiding hazards, and finally triggering the exit switch to move on to the next level, all within a 90-second time limit.

I confess I've never been much for freeware flash games (though that may change soon) and had never even heard of N prior to N+'s release, but given that my favorite gaming sites were frothing at the mouth for the opportunity to pay $10 for something they used to play for free, I surmised it must be pretty rad.

Your ninja is extremely mobile. He can leap Matrix-like distances, jump from wall to opposite wall, even manipulate his momentum in mid-air to wall jump up a single wall by itself. He'll die if he falls too great a distance, but push him up against any surface and he'll use the friction to "wall slide" back to safety. This is all well and good, and the whole setup gives a pleasant old-school arcade vibe, even down to the popping sound your ninja makes when he dies.

The free trial of N+ contains several tutorial levels and... not much else. Once you've learned how to play, the demo ends there. Sure, there's a lovely trailer of how wonderful the levels in N+ eventually become, but you're not given a single one of those levels to actually demonstrate for yourself. For a game that brags of having more than 300 levels, you'd think they could spare one or two of the good ones for new players. As it stands, I didn't play anything that really stood out for me, or feel the least bit compelled to plunk down the MS points for the full version.

N+ made a so-so first impression.

Welcome to GameStache!!

My name is Dante Kleinberg and I love a lot of things: chocolate mousse, pop music, Disney World, death-defying stunts, comfortable socks, the caress of a good woman, and a nice fake mustache. But more than anything, I love video games. I've been playing them for over 20 years, from the Atari 2600 and the Commodore 64, through the NES, SNES, and Genesis, enduring even the CD-i and the Lynx, all the way to the Xbox 360 and the Wii.

Here at GameStache!! you'll find:

Reviews
I vow only to review games I've either finished, or --in the case of games that never truly end, like sports games or certain puzzle games-- in which I've exhausted every option.

First Impressions
Quick thoughts of a game based on the demo or the first few hours of play.

Features
Full-length articles about game theory, design, the industry, or other things of interest to gamers.

Hall of Fame
In-depth profiles of my personal favorite games of all time.

Blogsam
The regular sort of thought detritus and word debris that's virtually unavoidable when undertaking a venture of this sort.

And maybe even a surprise or two...

GameStache!! Features

Podcast Profiles
Updated April 7, 2008

Top 10 Most Anticipated Games of 2008
April 2, 2008

uWink - Restaurant of the Future?
March 11, 2008

GameStache!! Hall of Fame

Rocket Jockey (PC)

March 6, 2008

GameStache!! First Impressions

Downstream Panic! (PSP)
March 25, 2008

echochrome (PSP)
March 7, 2008

No More Heroes (Wii)
March 5, 2008

N+ (Xbox 360)
March 3, 2008

GameStache!! Reviews

Iron Man: Flight Test (PC) ..... C+
April 23, 2008

The Lost Crown (PC) ..... B
March 31, 2008

Heavenly Sword (PS3) ..... A-
March 21, 2008

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure (Wii) ..... B
March 15, 2008

The Experiment (PC) ..... B-
March 3, 2008

Space Quest I: The Sarien Encounter (PC) ..... B
January 4, 2008

Codename: ICEMAN (PC) ..... C-
October 19, 2007

Duckman (PC) ..... B-
September 7, 2007